I’m waiting… waiting… STILL waiting…

“What are u waiting for?”

I’ve been asked this question by a few friends when they see the personal message I put on my MSN…

“I’m waiting… waiting… STILL waiting…”

What EXACTLY am I waiting for? The answers I gave to my friends varies…
“I’m waiting to go home…”
“I’m waiting for 2007 to end…”
“I’m waiting for the new year to come…”
“I’m waiting for a change…”
and many more…

Their replies? “Oh..”, “oic”, “yeah…” and so on…

But to a friend… whom my answer was “I’m waiting for a change…” I elaborate further on my answer… cuz this friend asked.. “what other changes do you expect? I tot u oredi got ur hair burnt?” hahaha… yeah.. I changed my hairstyle.. dyed it to gold/blonde/whatever colour you may want to name it..

And my answer was…

“I want to change my heart… I need a heart transplant…”

No.. I’m not indicating a physical heart transplant, but a spiritual and emotional heart transplant.

My heart has gone cold… not sure since WHEN, not sure WHAT caused it, not sure WHO caused it… but I know… my heart is COLD……

I’ve shared this with a friend of mine… and I remember repeating this statement.. “my heart is cold…” and I remember this friend saying.. “sometimes, things are to be done not by FEEL, but by WILL…”

Wow! I’m a person who does things based on emotion… I will do it if I FEEL like doing it… so when I hear this from my friend.. I kept quiet…

Another friend who knew about this.. said to me, “Sometimes, it’s a matter of whether you’re willing to change ur heart…”

WILLING to change… the word WILL again…

And as I was typing this… I felt that this statement(I’m waiting… waiting… STILL waiting… ) is not from me.. but from God… cuz He is waiting for me… to come back…

I know I need to do something about this… and I can’t allow myself to fall deeper and deeper… but… I’m still RESISTING the change… cuz I don’t FEEL like doing it… But.. What am I waiting for?

I’m waiting… waiting… STILL waiting…

Watching her from behind...

It's 9.45pm, Thursday, 27 Dec 2007, KLIA

As i watched... as she walked towards the departure hall...


further… further… and further away… my heart felt heavy... flashbacks of our time spent together filled my mind… it will be another 2-3 years before I get to see her again…

She’s my best friend from high school days…

And today.. she’s flying off to the US to further her studies… persuing PHD (I hope not Permanent Head Damage.. hehe…)

As I was driving home from KLIA after the send off at the airport… I suddenly felt lonely… We seldom hang out together nor chat very frequently online… but there’s juz that bond that held us together… she’s like a pillar which I can hold on to when I am about to fall…

She’s a quiet… indoor person… determined… discipline…a DSC kind of person… (if you know the DISC profile u wud understand this.. )

Me? I’m chatty… outgoing… can’t stay put at one place for a long time… rebellious… discipline? Try me! give up easily… basically a ISC kind of person…

When you get to know us… you’ll realize how different we are! We’ve had our difference in opinions and “quarrel” over things… Yet.. we still remain such good friends…

I bought a card for her, which goes like this… “Friends… enjoy the common things we have, and delight in our differences…” In the card, I wrote those things from the bottom of my heart. I gave it to her before she board the plane.. she wanted to open it.. but I told her.. “Open it only when you’re on the plane…”

A forwarded email I received quite a while ago.. which goes like this..
“We’ve known each other by CHANCE, became friends by CHOICE, still friends by DECISION”
Friendship…

2 weeks ago i told her.. "I'm gonna miss u..." and i felt it now oredi...

Helicopter???

Me: Hey! Look!!! Helicopter!!!
Sasa : Where??? It's dragon fly la...

On a Friday nite few weeks ago.. while waiting for sasa at the door to go for PM(prayer meeting.. not pasar malam)... I saw a dragonfly stopped at our house door... and I shouted "sasa! Come see! Helicopter!"

Using the word "helicopter" to describe a dragonfly wasn't originated from me... It's from Ann Ann... my youngest sis who has passed away in Feb this year after 5 years of battle with Leukemia.

The dragonfly at the door reminds me of Ann Ann... she used to shout "jie! See... helicopter!!!" These brought back memories of her when she's still around... I missed her voice.. her cheekiness.. her angelic smile... everything about her...

It has been more than 8 months since I last saw her breathing heavily at the ICU of SJMC... with the help of the oxygen mask...I still remember she asked for milk... cuz she was hungry... I remembered feeding her with milk using straw cuz she can't eat... and a few hours later... God took her home to be with Him...

We've survived... by the grace of God.. life goes on for us... but all of us in the family knows... it's never gonna be the same again!

It was through Ann Ann that our whole family came to know God... I was the most stubborn.. it took me a while to say "yes" 3 years ago. But I thank God for coming into my life... without Him, I really dunno how our family can cope with what has happened... the trauma... the anxiety.. the moutain-high medical bills... the heart-sick of losing a love one... Without God in our lives... I know we wouldn't have "survived"!

I haven't been crying for a long time.. but... as I am typing this post... my tears juz flowed...

Ann... I missed you....

"helicopter" reminds me of you...

My first blog....

Harlo reader!!!

Finally!!! I've decided to post my first blog here... A friend of mine whom i coined a "seasoned blogger" has been urging me to start blogging.. but I never really started anything.. until now.

So... here I am! Nothing much to say... juz hope u guys will enjoy reading my blogs... =)

Cheers,
- Jordan -