Hmmm… whenever people mentioned light bulb.. it always link to the person which seems like a “hindrance”/“why u’re here” character/person to a couple who are romantically involved.
Initially… I planned to titled this blog – “Expectation (of a friendship)”, but suddenly this word "light bulb" comes into my mind.. so.. decided to re-titled this blog.
2 person makes a good pair for good friends… can we have 3 good friends? 4 good friends? 5 good friends? The answer is IT’S ALL UP TO YOU!!! Will it ever be overcrowded? Well... again.. the answer is IT DEPENDS ON YOU!!!
Some people enjoy big crowd... they enjoy having lots of friends around them. Some people would rather have a few good friends gather together and spend quality time with each other.
To many people... I'm a person who likes the "happening" environment, with lots of actions/activities going on... Well... to a certain extent, it's true. I enjoy people's company. But the "ant" inside me long for a quiet/still environment. All the happenings/actions/activities i got myself into... all these are juz a COVER UP!!!
"BE STILL!!!" a person very dear to me always tells me... "Why can't you juz sit still and not engage yourself in so many activities???"
Maybe... I'm in search of something... an emptiness inside me... I'll trying to fulfill something which i know can't be filled with all these activities...
"I KNOW!!!!!", the small voice inside me shouted. I tried to be still... but after a while... I would start looking for things to do... either to pass time or to get myself occupied...
What am i searching for??? I dunno.... or rather... i juz dun wan to know???
Well... as u may have known by now... I'm a person who looked strong on the outside... but actually very weak inside. I longed for care... attention... I'm not entirely that independant as many may have thought I am. =P
That's why friends are so important to me. "Then what about your family?", some may ask me. Hmm... family... yeah... they are important to me, but... I never treated my family members like my friends. In fact, i treat my friends even better than my family.
"You always think of your friends, your friends are always more important than your family!", that's wat mum always say to me...
That's why... I hold on very tightly to friendships. I get disappointed with my close friends more easily than my family members... Hmmm... a "heartless" person eh? Some may say... without your family... where wud u have been???
Lately... my mind started to go down memory lanes... to the times when i was still in university. The time i spent with the buddies i have back then(some which I still keep in touch till now), those were the really happy days. Of course there are ups & downs in our friendship back then... the quarrels... the mis-understanding... the embarrassments... But all these make the friendship even stronger.
I miss those days... I miss those feelings on friendship back then.
Now? I have many close friends of course. Are we close? Yes!!! We spent lots of time together... we eat, laugh, play, talk etc etc
But why do i still feel the emptiness i never felt during my university days?
Maybe I EXPECT more from a friendship as i grow older. I expect a friend to ALWAYS BE THERE whenever i need someone to talk to.. someone to console me.. someone to tell me "it's ok"
But when these friends are not available due to various reasons(work...studying abroad...family...friends... etc etc), or they didn't ask "how are you?" when i was down, then i get disappointed... I "blame" these friends for not being sensitive... I "blame" these friends for "negligence" cuz sometimes they might have found new friends to spend time with... and i wasn't the "only" good friend these people have... and I became the "3rd party" so to speak... i became the "light bulb"... I felt left out...
That's how i HONESTLY felt... I know i'm juz being very "kiddy" to feel this way... i know everyone have their personal space to get to know new friends... to spend time with their own friends... even married couples have their own non-mutual friends whom they hang out with!!! What more friends!!!
I remember telling this friend of mine on several occasions after i got over the "blaming" period... I told this friend... "I was "disappointed" that you never noticed i wasn't ok." Well... it wasn't entirely my friend's fault. Cuz i never tell this fren i wasn't ok!!! How do u expect people to know when i didn't voice out?
I know, I know.... it's my fault. I'm juz being OVER POSSESSIVE towards my friends!!!
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